Losing control

Tell you something about cholerics myself. I cannot take unclear directions or the feeling of losing control. I like to plan. I like to have a to-do-list. I like progress. I like results. I like to be in control of what's happening next. It's either black or white, don't tell me grey. It's either joining or not going, don't tell me maybe (referring to facebook haha). Perhaps you can relate. 

At this point of time in life (sound old, but yeah), I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life and questions like, where I want to settle down.. So many uncertainties..and cholerics me really hate it. Sometimes I wish God tell me right away the things that He has planned out - yes yes, give me the formula and things will be way easier! But if that is so, the one taking control is no longer God.. but me.

While talking to a friend, she reminded me that many times we can be so overwhelmed by activities. We move faster and faster.. to do more and more.. because we want to accomplish things or achieve certain things in life. Nothing wrong with that. Just that in the midst of doing and achieving, many times we think that we are in control of things.. 'I have things under control'.. and 'it all depends on me'. Pride sets in. But the truth is, we are never in control of things. Yup. Never. Just this very moment while I'm blogging right here, my heart could just stop beating or my lungs could collapse. The fact that I can finish blogging this post is by God's grace. The fact that I'm living and breathing right now is a gift from God. So often we forget probably because 1. human beings are forgetful people 2. human beings always take things for granted or 3. human beings do think that they have all things under control. I'm guilty of these as well. As I think and pray about this, I came to understand that in every relationship there ought to be involvement and participation from both parties. If God were to give us the formula eg, A+B=C, is there still a need to depend on Him since we already know it all? To seek Him daily and commune with Him? 

Uncertainties are scary.. to me it's like running in the tunnel and not knowing what lies ahead of me.. it could be Disneyland or Lalaland haha kidding :p My point is this is not a good feeling because it's kinda scary. But it's also a place where you can do nothing much but to learn to trust God.

Many times we think we know what is best for ourselves but actually we don't..do we? or rather, can we? Can we know more than what God knows? We don't even know what will happen tomorrow or the next moment.. how then can we say that we know better than God Himself? I didn't say that out..but many times my actions show as though I know it all.. 'Don't worry God, I have all things planned out'. What a foolish thought, Carmen. Not that we don't make plans but knowing that at the end of the day, He is the One who determines our path. Just as I'm losing control, I'm learning to trust that He is in control. To be honest, it's not easy. I guess that's why it is a journey.

Father You are King over the flood,

I will be still and know You are God.