My future?

Finishing my second last semester in university in about 2 months' time. How time flies! Going for internship next semester and then..ta daa, convo! Most of my conversations with my course mates now revolve around internship application and 'What's next?'. Seriously, I don't know what's next..yet. haha Applied for quite a number of companies and all we can do now is wait..and as for me, I'll pray too :) I do not know what my future holds but I know Who holds my future.. The One who is able to hold everything in His hands - God. And so I rest in that assurance, believing only God's best for me and nothing less.

Thank You for constantly holding me, Daddy :)

God still cares. He has not forgotten..

It has been about 3 weeks now that Ah Ma is staying in the nursing home at Tanjung Medical Centre. Actually each time when I go to visit her, I feel helpless.. and I know if I'm feeling this, papa feels it all the more..and it makes me sad when papa is sad :( Today, I went there to visit her again. I listened to her and I prayed silently in my heart..because who else to go to except God? 

There was also this old aunty who was bedridden and she couldn't walk.. I talked to her before and each time when I talk to her, she said she can't wait to die, she is praying to her God to let her die. It bothers me because I wonder if she knows where she will end up after she died? There was once I wanted to tell her a good news about going to a better place after death, to heaven..but fear held me back :(

What put a smile on my face when I was there is this aunty who called out to me once she saw me, "Lu lai liao ah?!" (You're here?!), she came to me and held my hand like I'm her long lost friend haha so cute :) Then when I was sitting next to Ah Ma's bed, she came to me and sayang my face and Ah Ma stared at her! hahaha! When I was about to leave, she waved so hard! :) She is so lovable la but I feel that she is lacking of love from her loved ones.. she can walk, she can run and she can even take care of herself.. why is she there in the nursing home? 

To be honest, I can be very impatient when it comes to old people..and it has always been the most challenging area because I'm a choleric..I'm productive.. I'm fast and efficient haha which is total opposite when you have to face with old people..but I guess this is a season where God is teaching me to do little things with great love. 
And I pray that in my weakness, God's strength and power will be even more evident, working in me and through me.

Di saatku tak berdaya, 

KuasaMu yang sempurna.

Seeing all these old folks, reminded me of the old folks that I met when I was attached to St.Mark's during SWEEP (Social Work Exposure and Embracement Program)..and I wonder if they are still there?

Alison from St.Mark :)

Uncle Chew with his multipurpose wheelchair! :)

Dear God, help them..find the way back to You. In Jesus' name, I pray, Amen.

Acceptance

I have this ugly side where I will just flee from friendships that are tough to fight for.. and when there are unmet expectations, I will just give up. Or many times, I will build up a selfish wall in my heart just to protect it from getting hurt or offended. It is time to tear down these walls. Because when all these walls started to build up in my heart, there is no place for love :( It is something that I really need to learn - to love and accept others for who they are.. just as how others would love and accept me for who I am. Despite my weaknesses and imperfections, they accept me for who I am and give me time to grow from where I am.

Perhaps, all I need is to give others 

the time to grow to become beautiful swans - 

beautiful man and woman of God who are all 

fearfully and wonderfully made.

Today, I'm reminded on the most important element to UBAH. It is not hatred or bitterness. It is love - the love for our nation, our home, Malaysia. If truly I want to see change, let it begin with me. May I grow to love Malaysia each day :) #nomore-emo-emo #bangkit #rakyat #malaysia #love

Thank you, Wai yan, for helping me to see that in your blog post :)

Insanity

Insanity is for...orang gila. hahaha challenge accepted! I hope this will be the first step towards a healthier lifestyle hahahah :p doakanlah untuk aku.

#intenseworkout #day1 #awesomefriends #3months #bestwaytoreleasestress! #laughoutloud:)

Never really heard from Hannah Yeoh before.. except for a few tweets on twitter and a few posts on her blog.
But this sharing is really inspiring :)
Hannah Yeoh's sharing at DUMC

Listening to this, I'm reminded of this dream that I used to have..which was to become a millionaire by the age of 30 haha and how I planned to study in Australia, be rich, help my whole family to migrate and never come back to Malaysia.. But somehow God intervened.. it was the same verse (Jeremiah 29:11) that led me to Form 6..and changed my life.

"...When I first won, I was always complaining.. inside me, throw tantrum at God.... and I said, 'I don't want to do this for You anymore. I want to do my own thing, I want to lead my own life'. And I remember one conversation I had with a pastor over dinner and he said this to me, 'If you are constantly discouraged, if you are constantly looking for encouragement in your work..and looking for only the good things in your work..you know, if Christ behaved like you..He would not have gone to the cross."

It's amazing how God works. 

Plans for good and not for disaster,

to give us a future and a hope.

justice.. where are you?

I realised that this time my exam is very happening. I witnessed my lecturer teaching her students in the exam hall. I stared at her for a while, making sure that I heard correctly. I raised my hand to inform an invigilator that was walking towards my row.. I told him, "Lecturer tidak sepatutnya mengajar student di dalam exam hall." He looked at me, giving me the I-can't-do-anything look. Fine. The lecturer then continued teaching more students as though the rest of the students are blind. I was pissed. I finished up my last question and went to the front to pass up my answers script. I told another invigilator. She gave me the same look, perhaps the i'm-in-dilemma look. Ok, I know it's not easy but to be honest, I was very disappointed. I went out and saw another invigilator and told her the same thing.. my friend who came out after me, heard our conversation and confirmed what I said. The invigilator then said "Ok, I will go in and try to see what I can do." Basically, EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT'S HAPPENING BUT NO ONE IS DOING ANYTHING. I felt like I'm not heard! I can feel myself screaming inside, "Hello!! Justice!! Where are you???"

Dear lecturer, even if you find out about me trying to report about your action and decide to fail me.. I'm perfectly fine with it because it is not worth scoring your paper. I would rather fail your subject than to compromise. And what I cannot tahan most is you gave us a lecture on how we need to be honest and 'not taking short cuts' in life. You did not walk your talk. I'm deeply, extremely disappointed with you.

A lot of things were running in my mind even til now. Most people would choose the easy way out which is to ignore and tutup sebelah mata. Others would probably tell me "It's like that one la.." or "What to do?" 

so? means what? It's ok to do all these? Actually there are a lot of things we can do..we can stand up, we can speak up.. we can do our part.

I'm not making a big hu-ha because I'm afraid they could perform better than me or what not, but simply because this is not right! Is it just because I have not seen the 'world' much enough so you say, "Carmen, pls don't over react"?

Is that why I look like a weirdo now who is trying to make a big fuss out of 'small issue'? 

Yet again, where is justice? If we do not stand up for small things, will we stand up for bigger things? If we don't fight for justice, who else will?

Have we become numb to the injustices that are happening around us? because they happen so often, they happen every day!

Are we tired of fighting for what is right? just because it is not an easy path.. just because it requires one to take risks and go against the flow?

Have I become numb? What is my stand? How far can I go? How many times will I speak up? How many times will I fight against all these?

This incident has also reminded me.. reminded me that there are a lot of people who are being mistreated. I'm not the only one because this world is not just me, myself and I..but also Siti, Mary, Mutu, Ah Chong, Ramli and many more. I speak up for my own rights..but I've forgotten about the rights of these people.. the penan people, the orang asli, the refugees.. And what I'm experiencing now is nothing compared to what they've experienced. Yet, I've become so numb to their news. I became tired after some time.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for my selfishness..I'm sorry for my ignorance. 

With what shall I come before the Lord
    and bow down before the exalted God?
Shall I come before him with burnt offerings,
    with calves a year old?
⁷ Will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams,
    with ten thousand rivers of olive oil?
Shall I offer my firstborn for my transgression,
    the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?
⁸ He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
    And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
    and to walk humbly with your God.

Micah 6:6-8

Dear God, break my heart for what breaks Yours. Remind me always to hate the sin, not the sinner. Give me strength and wisdom to act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with You..because many times I failed. Help me Father :'(

my first experience

Last Wednesday, I saw two people who were sitting next to me whispering to one another in the exam hall. And it was so obvious to me that they were trying to exchange answers. For the first time in USM, I witnessed with my own eyes. I was so angry. I cannot tahan. So I AHEM AHEM and stared at them for a while. They saw me staring at them, lol.. then they stopped for a while but then continued again later on. I got so irritated. Then I AHEM the second time! (meaning I'm already giving you the second chance..) but they refused to stop. If you fail the paper after trying with your own effort, I will respect you for that.. because at least you tried.. rather than doing this kind of thing. 

I remember last time my church friend shared the same experience.. and when he did not stand up for justice, I was like "Ehh where can? If i were you, I will tell the invigilator." But yesterday when I was in that situation, I realised that it was not as easy as I thought loh. My heart was beating really fast.. and I was like thinking, Omygosh, what should I do??.. I cannot pretend like I didn't see because I really saw. I wanted to raise my hand and tell the invigilator but I was so afraid hahaa..what if they take revenge on me? scratch my car? kill my gold fish? etc Then I was just thinking to myself, ".. if you choose not to stand up for what is right..then next time you don't have the right to tell others to do it.."

To cut the long story short, in the end I handed up my answer script about 20 minutes before time (I finished kinda early, that was how I saw them whispering). I went to the front, informed my lecturer who was also invigilating (but I use the word 'suspect'..so that he can check on them first) and raaaaaaan back to my room! Takut they know I was the culprit (if they find out about my blog, I'm so dead) hahaha Later, I found out from my course mate that my lecturer went to them and asked them not to talk. 

From this experience kan, I know how coward I am. hahaha Like, you want to do it but you're afraid to do it. Eg; sitting a roller coaster. Sometimes standing up for justice and for what is right is really not easy.. especially for coward like me.. haha but can start small..and start some where. Because I think it is not right to let our fears hinder us from doing what is right. #stilllearning

despite the paths we chose :p

Ms.Woon will be coming back to Penang in 18 days! weeee! 

It was 6 months ago that u posted this: despite-the-paths-we-chose .
As I look back, I still remember that night when we had our last committee meeting.. the tears too. hahaha :p I still remember you said something like 'I can't be there for you.' Hmm.. yup, you were not here with me physically, but you were with me spiritually (in prayers) and mentally (in your moral support, advices, thoughts, etc) hehe so Tien, I really appreciate all that :) thank you!

I tell you something, there was one time when you shared with me that you might not be able to go to Australia..I secretly felt happy inside hahaha (Confession is good for the soul, they say :p). For a moment, I wanted to pray to God that you would stay..but in the end I did not.. because I thought it would be very selfish of me to do that. I sayang you :) so I prayed alongside you as you asked me to.
You know, even when I was in Camp cam, I kept asking God, "Why la, why not Tien?" haha I always compare myself with you and I feel you are so much better than me, more capable, more mature and wise :) really. But His ways are always higher than our ways. Maybe I should just stop this bad habit of trying to teach God what to do. 

Now, after 6 months, I'm glad that we chose the paths that we chose.. because I believe all these actually made us stronger in our walk with Him :) and it actually shows us how faithful God is in our lives. 

May our lives be a stirring testament to God's sustaining grace. 

I've decided to hug you first when I see you in Jan 

before doing the victory dance together :p

:D

YES!!!!!! :D After spending about 14 hours in front of my laptop, I've completed my political science assignment!! :D YAYYY!! What a joy! :D can you feel me?!!!! Ok, it's not like veryyyy good lar but I feel very happy because at least I tried to do it on my own! and it's my hardwork leh :D 

Actually, even right now I can predict what Dr.Benny will say to me when I see him, "You need to go deeper, Carmen. You're still on the surface. Think critically." Yes i know, i know! but Dr. Benny, you know or not, whenever I enter into political science classes I feel very stupid one (maybe I am but just realised after taking political science as minor..in a way, it really humbles me!) except for Introduction to Political Science! But I'm very happy Dr.Benny because at least I managed to come out with something HAHAHA :D Please be kind to me, give me at least a B- lah :) please loh :)

it's worth it! :D

Surrender to You, God! :)

Aku sehelai getah

Some quick updates! :)

It's almost one month now ever since sem started! Wahh time flies. It was not a 'light and easy' month..hah! I felt like a rubber band.. I was being stretched most of the time..still is..I think? It's funny kan, how we always make prayers like "God, I pray that I will grow more in you..." but when trials and problems come, we blame God.. we asked questions like 'Why You allow this to happen?'..we grumble..complain, complain and complain. Well that's me =X Tien once asked this question, "Is refining fire really our heart's one desire?"

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. James 1:2

Dear trials and problems, for the past weeks, you have caused me to grow closer to God..to constantly depend on God. You somehow showed me how weak I am, and how amazing and how great my God is. In a way, I thank you.. not that I hope you will stay in my life forever, but I know my God is able to bring me through all of you.

I may not understand why things happen.. but I'm believing that God allows it because He loves me. It can be very very hard and tough at times, but that's when my faith is tested..that's when refining fire is taking place. Do I really believe in His love? 

He who did not spare even His own Son, won't He also give us everything else? 

Throughout all these, I struggle..which is true.haha but I also learn.. I'm thankful for people whom He has brought into my life along the way. People who encourage,  support, motivate, pray and stand alongside me :) 

Especially Wai Quan..who is very patient with me hahaha :p who supported me all the way.. Who has worked hard behind the scenes. Without you, I won't be able to make it this far :) Thank you!

We also went down for FES Jubilee Celebration in PJ. It's awesome to see so many generations coming together! :) Young and old, muda dan tua! Also met Thomas Heng who started the CF in USM 40 years ago..waaahh :)

God who started this great work in USM will bring it to completion. :)

We were asked to bring a symbol that represents our experiences in campus..and all these symbols were then placed in this treasure chest as legacies of what God has done for us. As I look at all these symbols, I see God's faithfulness and goodness that overflow in our lives.. even the treasure chest couldn't contain it!

They also performed a mime on 'Find us Faithful.' :) 

This mime always serve as a reminder to me. 

I'm still keeping my plant, Faith.  Faith speaks to me a lot. heehee. There was once when some PKA leaders started posting the pictures of their plants on FB and theirs were like growing..tall and healthy. Mine was just small and..small, so I asked 'How come mine not growing?' Then I realized that I was actually comparing my Faith with others. In the same way, God never asked us to compare our faith with someone else.. it's not a comparison game that we are playing :) but we should rejoice with them when they are growing!

My faith is now a big big boy :)

and I'm proud of you!

To sum up, for the past month, I realized that there's 

nothing I can boast about myself.

If I want to boast, I can only boast in the Lord.

"For the Lord, my God is able."

God who doesn't make sense

Before the Passover celebration, Jesus knew that his hour had come to leave this world and return to his Father. He had loved his disciples during his ministry on earth, and now he loved them to the very end. It was time for supper, and the devil had already prompted Judas, son of Simon Iscariot, to betray Jesus. Jesus knew that the Father had given him authority over everything and that he had come from God and would return to God. So he got up from the table, took off his robe, wrapped a towel around his waist, and poured water into a basin. Then he began to wash the disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel he had around him. John 13:1-5

As I was reading this passage again 2 days ago, I realised one thing which I never realise before this. haha. When Jesus decided to wash his disciples' feet, he already knew that Peter would eventually deny him.. he knew that Judas would eventually betray him.. because if you continue to read on, Jesus already predicted his betrayal and Peter's denial.

Sad kan? Washing other people's feet is already a tough thing to do..unless you are a slave or servant? and you have no choice but to obey kan. But Heloooo?! I'm talking about Jesus..JESUS, washing his disciples' feet! It requires a lot of humility! Not only that, he washed Peter and Judas' feet too! Crazy. Doesn't make sense to me. 

As I reflect on this, I realised that I pick who I want to serve. Most of the time, I choose to serve only people whom I think they deserve my service. When it comes to people who are difficult to deal with, no.. they don't deserve my service or love. Oh yes, I do feel this way..don't think like I'm so holy and all. haha. But then, my God is not like that. Jesus is not like that.

He washed the feet of people whom he knew would betray and deny him.
He touched and healed the lepers whom no one wants to be in contact with.
He hang out with sinners and tax collectors like nobody's business.
He told the woman who commited adultery, "Now go, and sin no more."
He died on the cross for people who may not even say 'Yes' to him.

He is a God who doesn't make sense... because His love is too great for me to understand fully. But I pray that my heart will be willing to learn from this God whom I claim to worship and love.

You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and you are right, because that’s what I am. And since I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you ought to wash each other’s feet. I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you. John 13:13-15

Hello again, USM

Hello 3rd year, I welcome you with new colourful lights! :D

A new wallpaper for the term! :)

I want to be Famous like Amos, so I eat Famous Amos! :D 

Back to school! 

Have to constantly remind myself that: 
I am highly favored,

deeply loved,

and greatly blessed!
RAWR!!

What kind of values?

I've been helping my mum to babysit Reon at home. Wah, babysitting is not an easy task!! You don't just sit there with the baby ok... you run, you chase, you do whatever it takes to make sure she's ok! So tiringgggg!

And this girl is super hyperactive! 
Climb la, dance la, run la, scream la..aiyoooooo 
But whenever she hugs me or calls me 'Ku che', my heart melts :)
 pandai sangat ambil hati orang!

Taking care of this cheeky niece of mine makes me ponder upon some questions like

What kind of values do I want to pass down to my kids next time?

Will I be a good role model to them?

I don't want to be a mother who says 'You cannot do this and that...' yet I myself am not living out my life as a role model that my kids can look up to..

 I need to walk my talk, kan? :)

The heart of a father

I'm somehow reminded about how my dad used to cane me with a rotan when I was young. I was quite naughty back then. Always fight with my brother :p Every time when he cane me, I would cry very loudly. Not just because it was pain physically (kena a lot of strokes ok) but also hati sakit :'( I would ask questions like, "Papa, You don't love me anymore?!!!" "WAaaaaaaaaaaa!"


Now as I grow older, I realised that my dad's heart was aching too when he hit me..but he did it anyway. Because he wants me to be a better person. He wants to teach me what is right and what is wrong. I suppose the same goes to our heavenly Father. He has been challenging me to do some things that I wouldn't want to do. I told him, "I am happy with what I am, where I am and who I am." But no, it was not enough.. He wants to korek out the dirt that I've kept in my heart - insecurities, bitterness, fears, disappointments, etc. because He desires to give me life and life abundantly!  ^{He allows disciplines because He loves me.}


For our earthly fathers disciplined us for a few years, doing the best they knew how. But God’s discipline is always good for us, so that we might share in his holiness. No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way. 
Hebrews 12:10-11

May we continue to learn the heart of our Father.

Can we really love 
without expecting anything in return?

more than just a 'Bless campus'

I was on the way to dinner with my friend. As she drove pass the bak kut teh shop (near traffic light), i saw this aunty..the cleaner that we met the other day during Bless Campus. During 'Bless Campus', few of us helped her to sweep and mop DK foyer and  toilets around that area. And we were soooooo tired after that. We were wondering how a 68 year old lady could do this alone...every day. 
Seeing her washing plates at the bak kut teh shop, I was very surprised..why is she there? after working so hard in usm..now she is washing plates at the bak kut teh shop :( i feel so sad for her. 
I haven't been doing anything after 'Bless Campus' and i take this as a reminder from God to continue to be a blessing to those people around me - the cleaners, etc. 


Sometimes when I see things like that, I will tell myself.."It's ok...there are many people who work very hard for a living..how many can you help?"
But then I heard a still small voice in my heart telling me.. if I choose not to respond, not to do anything to what I saw..my heart will eventually be more hardened in the future. 
I hope to be able to drop by and buy her something to eat tomorrow. God's work doesn't end when it comes to the end of the semester. It ends only when Jesus comes back!

Heal my heart and make it clean

Open up my eyes to the things unseen

Show me how to love like You have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks Yours

Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity.

Pada suatu hari, ketika di Penang Cheshire Home

It was a good experience :)
At first, I thought that it would be something like United Voice but I was wrong. It was so different. The people there were much severe compared to United Voice.. most of them are on wheel chairs. It breaks my heart seeing them, I didn't know what to do, what to say.. but I smiled when I see some of them playing in the swimming pool :) Hey, they can have fun too!

We helped out in Gotong-Royong :)
After that we were given the chance to sing some songs and interact with them. Esther chose a song entitled "I want to be your friend" and we were asked to go around to shake their hands while singing that song. I was afraid at first because their hands/legs are not normal..but then I told myself that I NEED to touch them. I WANT to touch them..because I know the power of touch. Jesus touched the leper. He could have just said, "Be healed!" but no.. Jesus took that extra step. He touched the leper.

Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. “I am willing,” he said. “Be clean!” Immediately he was cleansed of his leprosy. Matthew 8:3

It was my first time shaking a hand that is different from mine.. a crippled hand. When I saw the joy in his eyes, I smiled back :) ahh, such a joy to be God's instrument to touch one's life.

There was one man who can't speak properly. He can't pronounce words. I think something wrong with his throat because he pointed at his throat. I can't really understand him.. so he wrote on a piece of cardboard..some chinese characters.. I struggled in reading too since my cina not that good haha.. but he was trying to tell me his name :) Later on, I asked him more questions as I wanted to interact more with him. I asked, "So what is your hobby? Is it sleeping? He said, "Loo.." which means 'No'. Then I continued, "Eating?" He replied, "Loo..." and I asked again, "Singing?" Then he said, "Loo.." and this time he pointed at his throat.. I felt like banging my head against the wall. Why am I soooo stupid?? Arghh...how can a person who couldn't even pronounce words properly to enjoy singing? He already find it very difficult to speak, what more to open his mouth to sing? :(

Thank you for making the effort to communicate with me :)

Also, I encountered this boy who cannot eat properly because of the disabilities that he has.. It was sad to see that he needs to make the extra effort in order to feed himself. The spoon that he uses is not like ours, it was a bit special because it was bended.. like an 'L' shape. At first, Monica was helping him to eat..and then he tried to eat an apple by himself :) ahh, felt so encouraged to see him having that initiative to want to do it himself.

I never really thought that eating can be a difficulty. No conscious effort is needed for me to eat something, I have the privilege to enjoy my meals most of the time..to eat my favourite food.. but this boy, he needs to make a lot of effort in order to eat.

I never thought that speaking can be a difficulty. Since young, I have always been opening my mouth to speak whenever I want..speak only lar.. and people understand what I'm saying.. even if they misunderstood, I have the chance to explain myself.. but this man that I met, he may not have this privilege.

I never thought that singing can be a difficulty. Reminds me of a late uncle in church who was paralyzed and came to church on a wheel chair every Sunday. It was not easy for him to sing too. He made effort to sing praises to God. He chose to praise God despite the difficulty that he has.

It was heart-breaking. But at the same time, I'm reminded to be thankful, to be grateful.. not to misuse my hands, legs, mouth, etc..not to take them for granted but to use them for God's glory.

Some of them have encouraged me by their cheerfulness. Some of them encouraged me by their friendliness. Some of them encouraged me by their responsiveness :)
They may not be so fortunate.. but I am so privileged, how then should I use the gifts that God has given to me?

How then, should we use our gifts?

BA NA NA

If you are not a banana,

Have you ever wondered how a 'banana' feels?

What would it be like when everyone around you can speak their own 'language' while you can't? hmm..
And people labelled you as 'Banana!'
But of course, I'm not a teruk banana. I'm a good banana. At least I can speak, A BIT. and write, A BIT. haha
I don't like the feeling when after all my friends laugh about something then I ask them the meaning of the joke because I can't understand some chinese words. Sometimes I want to talk..like a lot but because of the limited vocab that I know, I choose to keep quiet and not embarrass myself.
And sometimes I don't know how to explain myselfffff..

BUT BANANA IS NOT GIVING UP!
I'm going to take up chinese language next semester! :D :D
and I'M EXCITED!

peel banana, peel peel banana!

wish me best for this week!
after this week, I'm done for this sem! :D
RAWRRR!