Celebrate Christ

The one thing that I always look forward to in church christmas celebration is actually water baptism! :) I don't know why but I really enjoy watching people getting baptised :) Angela's testimony was really encouraging. "I have decided to follow Jesus for the rest of my life." ...hearing this statement from Angela made me :') It was just 5 years ago that I stood right there, giving my testimony in the presence of the congregation and my parents who have yet to know God.

Some people don't understand why I can have such a burden for my family.. they couldn't understand the decisions that I made or need to make because of the burden that I have. Yet sometimes I wonder, how can anyone not have this same burden as me if their family do not know God? How can the thought of eternal separation with your loved ones not make you do something about it? And honestly, I don't blame anyone who do not understand how I feel :) really. because I know I may not understand the burdens that others need to carry as well.

And I felt this was a timely song sang by the worship team. This song is a tough song to sing though. haha 

"Though I may wonder, I still will follow;"

 "The world behind me, the cross before me;"

"Though none go with me, still I will follow;"

"No turning back, no turning back."

By the way, Santa Claus did not die for you. Jesus did :)

Joy to the World!

Happy Birthday, Jesus! :)

and merry Christmas everyone!!! Weeee :D

Fourth year, first sem.

Fourth year, first sem. My last sem in university.
Will be leaving for internship next semester. So now, I left about 20 days in USM.. I will still be here for the next semester (after work, balik hostel) but somehow I just sense/know that things will not be the same anymore lah.

I cannot 'feel' like skipping work. I have to go to work. I cannot syiok-syiok play Counter Strike and shout 'Fire in the hole'. I have to get enough sleep so that I won't overslept. I cannot spend as much time with people anymore. It's 8am-5pm :( but I can still jog, i guess haha. This is what they panggil 'Transition'.. Face it, Carmen. Haha okok! I can do this!

Since the beginning of the sem, I know that I won't have much time to get to know the juniors..so I didn't make much effort to know them.. I mean, what can grow in 4 months? Durians? haha but somehow God just brought along side few precious ones..and it was just a short period but macam we have known each other for a long time :) So I'm really thankful for that :)

:) one of the few

Initially, it was difficult to see my batch mates leaving.. and then it seemed also that Bible Exposition and CGs were different without them.. Where are all the noises and inside jokes? :p but then slowly I've also learnt to move on. It was good to reflect back on the good old days but dwelling in it and clinging on the past memories will only make us miss out on the good things that God has in-stored for us.. so seeing you again was really good..and seeing you leave this time was not as hard anymore :) Looking forward to many more memories with you in the future! Hope you had a great birthday!

 

And I'm also thankful for the leftovers haha It was really good to have people like Heavenly Wisdom and Ah Min with me this last semester.. I like the familiarity! They know me well lah. and Woon, it has been good to spend a bit more time with you this sem compared to last sem :) Thank you for always being there for me! and you're just a whatsapp away! haha Btw, I still enjoy shouting in your ear until today :D

:)

Also managed to spend a bit more time with my course mates this semester and I'm really glad! :) We had an outing last week and we were just reflecting on the past years and how we first met. I find it soooo funny because they didn't like me last time! haha Pei Man thought I was really sombong because I didn't really talk..and then later on only she found out that I was quiet because I couldn't really speak in Mandarin (but i've improved so much now! :D) hahaha and then Cai Fong was explaining how Lay Ling came back to the room and told her about me when we first met, "Wah Cai Fong, ge bi fang jien de nue shen speaking de leh!" (The girl next door speaks in english!). Aiyo so funny! :D

This year on my birthday, they decorated my room :) with batman logo some more! I was really touched :) I'm just so thankful for them! I probably won't be able to graduate without them..especially Pei Man and Cai Fong, like seriously! haha My room mate has been nice too..Not everyone can tahan my messiness but she can! :D

:)

Minum kopi with Lim Guan Eng :D

I can lift up a gunny sack with just 2 fingers! So kuat, I'm amazed :D

and then, the Malacca boy :) Personally, I'm learning to constantly remember God in this relationship and put Him at the centre.. Sounded so easy when I attended BGR talks or reading books before this. haha I feel like there's so much for me to learn because I can get so selfish at times.. but it's something that I should learn. After all, the bible says nothing about fulfilling our own desires or emotions. It's about dying to ourselves and living our lives for God.

Someone said this, "Being in a relationship reveals how self-absorbed you really are but it also teaches you like nothing else what it means to live not only for yourself. It makes you a bigger person and it makes your world a bigger place because you learn to live more freely, love more generously, endure more patiently and give more unreservedly."

:)

and to you who has been a big part of my uni life,

It wasn't because I don't love you anymore.. just preparing myself to move on :) I'll never forget you and Thank you sooo much for everything!

Will be having my final finals in about 1 week's time. Weeee!

lazy to even think of a title haha

Haven't been updating my blog for some time. haha I've been so lazy, I don't know why! Will be leaving for internship soon.. Nooooo. haha lagi lah lazy.

This picture describes exactly how I'm feeling towards my internship.haha but it's time to move on and grow up..yup i know, thanks *talking to self*. Time terbang super cepat this semester.. until I find it a bit scary :( What lah? December already? eh wait, December ending liao. Nooooo! :O

Anyway, Christmas is just next week! so.. yays! :D

Let every breath, all that I am,
Never cease to worship You.

About 50 days more to internship.....

oh, tak nak :(

My future?

Finishing my second last semester in university in about 2 months' time. How time flies! Going for internship next semester and then..ta daa, convo! Most of my conversations with my course mates now revolve around internship application and 'What's next?'. Seriously, I don't know what's next..yet. haha Applied for quite a number of companies and all we can do now is wait..and as for me, I'll pray too :) I do not know what my future holds but I know Who holds my future.. The One who is able to hold everything in His hands - God. And so I rest in that assurance, believing only God's best for me and nothing less.

Thank You for constantly holding me, Daddy :)

What are words

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them

What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't

While we still can

Last Sunday, I was on duty as usher in church and I was a little bit earlier than usual. So while distributing bulletins and waiting for people to come in, I read the bulletins lo :D read an article written by this girl who spent two weeks at Charis Hospice as a part of a work experience placement (Charis Hospice is a charitable organization and they provide free medical support home care services to patients with advanced illness.. and RGBC has been supporting their work).

Chloe wrote,
"It is hard to watch people die. You look around their house and see photographs of how they were just a few months earlier and sometimes you can barely tell that the man or woman you see before you is the same person. I tried to put myself in their shoes, what would I think? How would I feel? Frustration that I can't do everything that I used to be able to do? Guilt that I can no longer provide for my parents and/or children? Fear of what comes next? Sadness that my passing will hurt my friends and family? I can only imagine how hard it must be both for the patient and the family.

One of the most important things I learned was how to have compassion. It is not just a matter of being kind and merciful; more than that it has to stem from love. Every day I watched as the nurses poured out this love to their patients, treating each one with respect and dignity, as if each one was a dear friend whilst doing everything in their power, even those less pleasant tasks, to alleviate suffering..."

I felt moved by what she wrote because I was imagining myself in their shoes too. Maybe because I've been going in and out from the hospital for countless times (mostly for visitations) just in this past one year, I've slowly learned not to take my health for granted. I remember I was quite sick when I came back from Timor Leste. I had diarrhea and nausea.. it's a sucky feeling when all you can do is just sleep, most of the time feeling blur..and when you don't even have the strength to pray for yourself or to seek God. So when I got well, I realised the need to offer encouragement to others who need to hear them, while I still can offer encouragements and prayers. Sometimes I wake up in the morning, I simply thank God for good health and for giving me another day to live for Him. But sometimes I can be so overwhelmed by my own things, that I became so inward-looking. Reading this article, I was reminded once again to do something while I still can. Still learning though.

Covenant-keeping God

 

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
  In the light of His glory and grace.

Even when the world seems like falling, I know my God can hold the world for me because He holds everything in His hands.
 

 This God whom I worship,

 is a good God

a great God; full of grace, mercy, love.
He will never disown you because

He is true to His promises and words.

He is a covenant-keeping God.
He is Good.

It is selfish sometimes that I only keep this truth to myself.

Wisdom?

Sometimes having too much wisdom will give you a headache :(
I've had enough! :'(
Please give me a break, wisdom tooth!!! :(

Just because it "has always been this way" doesn't mean it is the right way or the right thing to do.

Good and timely reminder

"It is not my job to change you.. I can't. But it is my job to love you.. that I can."

"Love is not a chore. It's a revelation; The Christ you serve revealed it in its purest form."

This is not the nicest prawn drawing..hahaha but i like :)

because you are God's gift to me :D weee!

Byes!

 

Dear Legends, 

I want you to know that it is not the same anymore without all of you and you guys have been missed much! :) It was not easy seeing all of you leaving but slowly I've learnt that..life goes on and we need to move on too! :) and I know all of you are in good hands because you are in God's hands! so I rest in that assurance! :D

 

Can't wait for my turn too! Pls come for my convo! hahahaha

 

And as for you Michael, you have been the Best Servant ever! Your master is thankful! :) I was looking back at our old pics, when I first came in until now.. Thank you for always being the big brother who jaga me...until now! seriously haha will miss you a lot a lot when you leave ..No more carbonara and prawns for me :( Anyway, I've promised you to wear saree on your wedding day and I will do it one okayyy, so don't have to always remind me!!!! hahaha Queen is happy to release you to your promised land :)

Pls know that I sayang you, brother :)

One thing remains

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39         


                      Constant through the trial and the change - God's love.

 

I meant what I said when I hugged you :')

God still cares. He has not forgotten..

It has been about 3 weeks now that Ah Ma is staying in the nursing home at Tanjung Medical Centre. Actually each time when I go to visit her, I feel helpless.. and I know if I'm feeling this, papa feels it all the more..and it makes me sad when papa is sad :( Today, I went there to visit her again. I listened to her and I prayed silently in my heart..because who else to go to except God? 

There was also this old aunty who was bedridden and she couldn't walk.. I talked to her before and each time when I talk to her, she said she can't wait to die, she is praying to her God to let her die. It bothers me because I wonder if she knows where she will end up after she died? There was once I wanted to tell her a good news about going to a better place after death, to heaven..but fear held me back :(

What put a smile on my face when I was there is this aunty who called out to me once she saw me, "Lu lai liao ah?!" (You're here?!), she came to me and held my hand like I'm her long lost friend haha so cute :) Then when I was sitting next to Ah Ma's bed, she came to me and sayang my face and Ah Ma stared at her! hahaha! When I was about to leave, she waved so hard! :) She is so lovable la but I feel that she is lacking of love from her loved ones.. she can walk, she can run and she can even take care of herself.. why is she there in the nursing home? 

To be honest, I can be very impatient when it comes to old people..and it has always been the most challenging area because I'm a choleric..I'm productive.. I'm fast and efficient haha which is total opposite when you have to face with old people..but I guess this is a season where God is teaching me to do little things with great love. 
And I pray that in my weakness, God's strength and power will be even more evident, working in me and through me.

Di saatku tak berdaya, 

KuasaMu yang sempurna.

Seeing all these old folks, reminded me of the old folks that I met when I was attached to St.Mark's during SWEEP (Social Work Exposure and Embracement Program)..and I wonder if they are still there?

Alison from St.Mark :)

Uncle Chew with his multipurpose wheelchair! :)

Dear God, help them..find the way back to You. In Jesus' name, I pray, Amen.

This is my third time posting this song on my blog I think hahaha because it always remind me to look to Jesus..I can forget so easily when i feel overwhelmed and burdened.. but the lyrics of this song always remind me that He is good even when circumstances are bad.. to remember that He is in control even when things seem to be out of control.





"Because You're on my side
I won't believe the lie
That I'm all alone
I'm not all alone here"

"I know that You are for me
I know that that you will never forsake me in my weakness
I know that You have come down even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who You are"

I really thought of leaving for a short period of time.. but then again, I've decided to stay back. Because the burden to stay is heavier than the desire to leave. I guess sometimes it's not about what you want but what is more important to you. Three years ago, I made the same decision and sometimes when I look back, I wonder if I made the wrong choice? Maybe I should have gone further? But at the same time I know I cannot afford to leave everything behind.

Not an easy path but it's all good :)

A day at Kawan

Went to Kawan (a centre for the homeless) with Joanne two days ago. It was just a very random plan since Jessica is helping out in Kawan now. Yet it was so timely because we met a group of koreans who are here for a short mission trip. So nice to get to know people our age but from a different country :) Managed to talk to a few of them and it's really interesting to share with one another; our culture, thoughts, experiences and also our common interest - RUNNING MAN :p 

It has been quite some time since the last time I visited Kawan..but it was really nice to be there again. There was no proper schedule or timetable for worship, bible study or sharing.. but everything is just so random la. haha and it's very cute because the moment someone starts playing guitar or singing, some old people sing along even though it's just a 'worship practice'..People clap, people dance, people look at you :p And there was this uncle who sang really loud and out of tune :D but I could see so much passion in him from his facial expression :) I'm reminded again on heart of worship :) Thank you, uncle.

And because everything is just so random there, I was asked to do hokkien translation on the spot for Rowen who was sharing the word. Wah lau. haha but thank God everything went well i guess. Have to brush up my hokkien though..a lot of hokkien terms I didn't know eg; promise, heaven, forsake.. haha but it was a good experience. I realize that I do enjoy randomness too :D wee!

The ugly truth?

What's wrong with me? 

It seems like I can't really take it when people are good to me..haha crazy right. *smacks self*. I tend to feel very unworthy of them.. and this will then create fear in me that one day I might lose them because I'm not good enough. and it's very tiring one lor. 
Deep within me I actually struggle with insecurities but how come I never realize this part of me! :( That sense of unworthiness can be a bit overwhelming sometimes..but I thought I was never a melancholy?  but actually I'm glad because at least now I know! It is something that I need to work it out with God, seeking answers from God and..ya la, look to God.

And as I was just thinking about all these..I'm thankful to God! :) I feel so loved. haha because I know I'm so unworthy of His love yet I am fully accepted for who I am. I am loved by unconditional love. And I was reminded of Psalm 139 :)
O Lord, you have examined my heart
    and know everything about me. 
 You know when I sit down or stand up.
    You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
You see me when I travel
    and when I rest at home.
    You know everything I do.
You know what I am going to say
    even before I say it, Lord.
You go before me and follow me.
    You place your hand of blessing on my head
  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too great for me to understand!
Psalm 139:1-6

Unending love, amazing grace :')

The 'One'

 I think this is a good read :)  my-husband-is-not-my-soul-mate
"There is no ONE PERSON for you. But once you marry someone, that person becomes your one person."
I have a friend who grew up thinking that marriage should be happily ever after..but then she realised that it is just another area that God uses to shape us and mold us.. to be more like Christ :)

When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart that
this is not, this is not our home

Papa, Jesus can carry the weight that is on your shoulders. I love you much.

!come i here, leste Timor

Timor Leste, the country that my Camp Cam family 'promoted' to other CC participants during Camp Cam special night last year. I remember that time we were so blur because it was our first time hearing about this new country, so we just main hentam haha

Asher Family of Camp Cam 2012

Next week, I will have the opportunity to see this nation with my own eyes :) Anthony whatsapped me some pics an hour ago. I'm not sure which Camp Cam family did Timor Leste this time but I'm so encouraged to know that our brothers and sisters in Camp Cam 2013 are actually praying for us :) thank youuuu!

 

 

:) 

Timor Leste! Rawrr!

My home

There are some things that I have a burden for... but once again I'm reminded that ministry has to start at home. We can't save the world and leave our family behind. We can't be good to others and not care about the family.. it has to be from the inside out.

 So this is to remind myself: Let servanthood starts at home.
 Because I don't want to win the world.. but lose my family.

More than enough

I opened it and thought that it was a card, which already put a smile on my face. but it was more than just a card.. I need to tahan my tears because my room mate was in the room too. Recently, I've been receiving so much more than what I've given.. I feel like I don't deserve all these, really.. but they never fail to remind me of God's goodness and faithfulness.. that overflows! until my tears wanna flow haha

Today as I saw this and reflect on how much I've received, I know my God is not a debtor. It's a very meaningful and timely gift for me to end the semester :') ahh, carmen don't cry!

This morning I woke up feeling loved.. 

because I know Daddy sent rain! :D 

Humbling experience

Timor Leste funds has been coming in! Puji Tuhan! :) Like really really! :) :) :D 

Trust me, it's not easy to ask for money..especially when you know your dad is financially capable to provide for you. But it has not been easy too when your family do not understand what mission work is all about ;) STOMP Timor Leste is already teaching me so much even before going to the mission field. This experience as a missionary (raising funds) has really humbled me..it is breaking my pride each time when I send out my sponsorship letter. Each time when people give, whether little or much, my heart is moved.. Thank you for believing in me :') Many times I felt very unworthy of receiving from people.. but because I'm feeling this, I told myself that I won't let them down. I will do my best in the mission field *pray hard*, making sure that they do not sow in vain.

Coming from an average family, my dad has always been providing for me and my family. Hence, I did not learn to trust God in terms of financial provisions..and when Beatrice (FES staff) asked us to raise funds for this mission trip, I was worried, I went blank and I doubted God. RM 4000 is no joke wei. I really prayed hard for the funds hahaha and I tell you, it amazes me each time I see how God bring in funds! Really, macam He knows how much I'm lacking (of course, God knows! :p) and how He always help me to round up the figure hehehe :) Now I can really testify, My God is a God who provides! 

My heart is really filled with thanksgiving to people are supporting me and this mission work that is in Timor Leste :') Thank you for sowing, thank you for believing in me and with me, thank you because all of you have inspired me to sow for eternity :) You have shown me a good example to follow and I want to be like you, my dear givers :) Thank you, thank you.

When all You are

is glorious oh God

victorious and strong

Whom shall I fear?

When all You are 

is powerful and true

and good in all You do

Whom shall I fear?

Acceptance

I have this ugly side where I will just flee from friendships that are tough to fight for.. and when there are unmet expectations, I will just give up. Or many times, I will build up a selfish wall in my heart just to protect it from getting hurt or offended. It is time to tear down these walls. Because when all these walls started to build up in my heart, there is no place for love :( It is something that I really need to learn - to love and accept others for who they are.. just as how others would love and accept me for who I am. Despite my weaknesses and imperfections, they accept me for who I am and give me time to grow from where I am.

Perhaps, all I need is to give others 

the time to grow to become beautiful swans - 

beautiful man and woman of God who are all 

fearfully and wonderfully made.

Farewell!

PKA Farewell Night. It was as though just yesterday that we celebrated our seniors' graduation. Oh how time flies! I was looking back at the things that I wrote to my seniors, last time punya blog post..and now i'm saying the same thing to myself. hahaha

I still remember how I felt when I first came in and the first few people whom I met in PKA. PKA has been a place for growth when I first came in as a young christian, a place where I discover more about myself and God, a place where I meet true precious friends (even though from different denominations) who will cheer me on as I run and walk with me through my ups and downs. 

When we were juniors back then..in 2011

And now, Tadaa..! Our juniors! :)

"Surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses
Let us run the race not only for the prize
But as those who've gone before us
Let us leave to those behind us
The heritage of faithfulness passed on through godly lives"

-Song: Find us Faithful-

I know that it will not be easy for many of the graduating seniors to leave behind something that is so precious and dear to them.. but may we continue to run this race with our eyes fixed on Jesus. So that at the end of our walk with God here on earth, we can echo what Paul said in 2 Timothy 4:7, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."

Let us not just run well 

but finish well :)

Post GE 13

After GE 13, I was talking to a few christian friends about the whole election thingy..As we were talking, I was questioning myself and reflecting on how I responded towards the current situation in Malaysia.

I was reading this book called the 'Bible and the Ballot' and there are really some good points that the authors pointed out which include;

"True change will only come when sinners are transformed by the gospel. No human leader can bring this about. But as representatives of the coming kingdom of God, Christians are to live by Kingdom of God, Christians are to live by Kingdom values in every sphere of it. And this includes coming out to vote."

"Must not give in to politics of hatred or ridicule."

"And at the end of the day, I know Jesus is coming back to usher in the new heaven and the new earth, so I know that righteousness, justice and compassion will win in the end. In the meantime, miracles are always possible. That is God's responsibility. My responsibility is to do the right thing."

"To pray is to reckon that the One who has the final say is God. By praying, we communicate hope instead of defeat."

"To love the enemy is to acknowledge his weaknesses and struggles and to recognise that the nature of political life is always in the process of development and change. While we are open to reconciliation with those who persecute us, we must not shy away from political engagement nor neglect our duty to secure basic human rights for society at large."

In the midst of speaking up, am I reflecting His values? In the midst of standing up for what is right, am I blinded by hatred or anger? As much as I want to see a better Malaysia,I need to keep in mind that all earthly kingdoms will soon fade away..only His Kingdom will last for eternity. I need to remember to live by Kingdom values and draw people into His Kingdom. I need to keep my focus on eternity. 

And Timothy posted on Enzyme Agents forum, "Whether BN is the government or not, please don't give up on them. As much as we want to see change don't neglect praying for God to purify their hearts and change them from within as well. Because the God I know still loves them and has not and will never give up on them. Don't let the hate for their actions blind you from the fact that our Lord Jesus Christ died on the cross for them too. He came to seek and save the lost.", 
which made me realised how much more I need to pray for the current government..for their salvation..and that I should remind myself again and again - to attack issues, not individuals..and hate sins, not sinners. There is so much more to learn.. change, I must!

PKA 2012/2013 - From the Inside Out

The excos who journeyed with me;

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart 

for every single contribution and support that was given to me :)

It has not been a smooth-sailing journey 
but it has been a worth-sailing journey :) 

God has been so real to each and everyone of us, 
He still is..and He never changes.

As for me, my God never fails :)